Easy Way Out

The veins in my arms have become the curious destination to which my eyes settle on, at least three or four times a day. On my left arm my veins are shaped as two Y's that overlap each other. Y. Ha! (God always did have a sense of humor)

Y. That's a very good question.

Actually the main question is 'What if'?

Would I hesitate to draw the blade across my skin or get it over with in one swift slice. Would I instantly accept the pain, embrace it like it were my lifeline. Funny, seeing as it would end said lifeline. (I'm all types of funny today). Would it take seconds or hours for me to gain the strength to cause such harm to myself in the first place. Would I be a coward and withdraw at the last second.

Y. That's a very good question. The simple answer to that, is that 'it's the easiest way out. A cowards way'.

I always was a coward. Always taking the easier routes in life. Always playing it safe.

Interesting. I'm already talking in the past. As though I've already committed the deed. As though the deed is final and set and there's no going back.

Y. That's a very good question. A question that resonates in my head with a fierce power, more strongly than it did before. Maybe it's the changing of weather. Maybe I'm just having a shitty day. Maybe I'm looking for pity. Maybe I'm tired of facing my non-existent life that drags by so slowly, it makes facing each day harder. It makes me not want to look forward to the same boring, consistent cycle of depression hidden away and camouflaged, through images of television and pointless browsing of the internet.

Maybe I don't NEED a reason to commit such deed. Hell, you don't need a reason to do something. Sometimes you just feel like doing something because...Eh. Who am I kidding?

It's the depression that I've repressed for so long because it's frowned upon in my family. It's the anger that I've hidden so well that has stemmed from years of being used and verbally abused. It's this overwhelming feeling of having little to no control over my life.

So, either I continue to face this difficult path knowing that someday; maybe a week, a month, hell, probably years from now, life will indeed get better.

OR I can bring this all to an end by choosing the easy way out. The Cowards way.

I always was a coward...