Easy Way Out

The veins in my arms have become the curious destination to which my eyes settle on, at least three or four times a day. On my left arm my veins are shaped as two Y's that overlap each other. Y. Ha! (God always did have a sense of humor)

Y. That's a very good question.

Actually the main question is 'What if'?

Would I hesitate to draw the blade across my skin or get it over with in one swift slice. Would I instantly accept the pain, embrace it like it were my lifeline. Funny, seeing as it would end said lifeline. (I'm all types of funny today). Would it take seconds or hours for me to gain the strength to cause such harm to myself in the first place. Would I be a coward and withdraw at the last second.

Y. That's a very good question. The simple answer to that, is that 'it's the easiest way out. A cowards way'.

I always was a coward. Always taking the easier routes in life. Always playing it safe.

Interesting. I'm already talking in the past. As though I've already committed the deed. As though the deed is final and set and there's no going back.

Y. That's a very good question. A question that resonates in my head with a fierce power, more strongly than it did before. Maybe it's the changing of weather. Maybe I'm just having a shitty day. Maybe I'm looking for pity. Maybe I'm tired of facing my non-existent life that drags by so slowly, it makes facing each day harder. It makes me not want to look forward to the same boring, consistent cycle of depression hidden away and camouflaged, through images of television and pointless browsing of the internet.

Maybe I don't NEED a reason to commit such deed. Hell, you don't need a reason to do something. Sometimes you just feel like doing something because...Eh. Who am I kidding?

It's the depression that I've repressed for so long because it's frowned upon in my family. It's the anger that I've hidden so well that has stemmed from years of being used and verbally abused. It's this overwhelming feeling of having little to no control over my life.

So, either I continue to face this difficult path knowing that someday; maybe a week, a month, hell, probably years from now, life will indeed get better.

OR I can bring this all to an end by choosing the easy way out. The Cowards way.

I always was a coward...

Together

I'm sitting here on a bench, in a park. It's almost midnight. There are no kids in sight. No girls swinging on the swings while the wind seeps through their hair. No boys competing with each other to see who is the fastest and strongest to cross the monkey bars.

The see saw is slanted against the mud; the last reminiscence of a child and his father's laughter,
echoing in the breeze.

So, here I sit on this dewy bench. Just me, my notebook and this calm peaceful serenity that
almost brings tears to my eyes. The few remnants of water from the rain is soaking up my jeans.
But I could care less.

Right now I am enjoying the view. The night sky, the stars, the wind in my hair. It's a fucking
cliche. But I am so fucking HAPPY right now. And this overwhelming feeling of awe and safety
ladies and gentleman, I can trace to the figure sprawled a few feet away from me. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate. Lying on the grass, humming a tune I can barely make out. Like there's no care in the world.

We've been through a lot. Fought with each other more than we have loved each other. I've messed up and taken other people's sides over my own love. And still she has stuck by me. That's right she. My lesbian lover. My baby, who chose to FIGHT with me, by me, FOR me. Who refused to give up when I gave into cowardice. Who took my hand and stood by me when I didn't have the courage to face what I was. Who defended me and loved me when I finally awoke to realize and accept what I was..what I am.

As though reading my mind, she turns her head and looks at me and smiles. A smile that assures me that things are gonna get more difficult, before they get easier. But I'm going to get throught
it, we're going to get through it, together.